The Diaper Change Honeymoon

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I really used to look forward to diaper changes. Honestly. That time with my son on the change table was one of our first bonding moments. Mom had breastfeeding – I had butt cleaning. This was my responsibility and I owned it.

For the first six months the process is a breeze. Newborn diapers have a handy pee indicator strip so you know your wee one is actually going wee. Their initial bowel offerings, called meconium, is – excuse me while I drop some science – black stuff made up of things ingested while it’s an inside baby. Sure, it’s sticky and weird, but it’s odourless – making it the perfect material to work with while you’re in training. That stuff quickly changes to dookie that looks like, and even kind of smells like, mustard.

And after six months, when junior starts on real food? Don’t believe the hype – it’s still no big deal. And that’s because your little one will be an angel during these diaper changes. Their faces light up when they see you hovering over them. I’m pretty sure I witnessed both of my sons smile for the first time while I was goofing around with them on the change table. Eventually that smile turns into a laugh as they start to respond to tickles, funny faces and peek-a-boo games.

And yes, you’ve seen it in just about every movie or commercial about babies… It’s true: every so often you’ll get a live pee during a change. It’s comical more than anything because you can’t do anything to stop it. It’s like a fire hose spraying wildly with no firefighter to control it. By the time you even notice there’s a stream, it’s too late.

Even the dreaded “blowout” isn’t that bad. Dads-to-be: that’s when liquid caca shoots up the back of the diaper or out the leg holes and typically requires an immediate wardrobe change for baby. And sometimes for you. Sure, it’s gross, but you’ll forget all about it when your little one discovers the fun in kicking their legs while they lay there.

Please cherish these magical times. Live in the moment.

Once you get to the toddler phase, the honeymoon ends in the blink of an eye. All you’ll want is a quick diaper divorce but you won’t even be granted a trial separation.

You and your partner will start begrudgingly claiming bragging rights as to who has changed the worst diaper. Amazingly, the horrific contents somehow manage to top the previous disaster on a weekly basis.

Baby wipes become the Richter scale of diaper changes. “That was a 10-wiper!”

With each passing day, it seems the turds get progressively bigger and smellier. Then one day your kid will protest diaper changes altogether. They’ll throw a fit at the very suggestion. The cute wiggles and kicks turn into furious, mid-change, leg-flailing attacks of diaper change defiance. You’ll frequently get poop on your fingers as you try to battle with your uncooperative kid.

During this stage your house will have an essence of eau de toilet. That fancy diaper bin you use becomes no longer capable of containing the wretched stank. Diapers are handled like hot potatoes and put outside immediately.

Oh, and chances are good that your little one will encounter constipation at some point. You thought Restoralax and Miralax were just for seniors? Nope, they work miracles on all ages. This magic powder inspired us to coin the term “swamp-poo.” Every area within the confines of their diaper and their entire groin region will be marinating in butt mud. And you will be suffering from a severe case of diaper burn-out.

Wow, that escalated quickly.

But don’t worry, there’s a silver lining…

Just kidding – there’s no fucking silver lining! Come on, what could possibly be the upside to having this much shit in your life?! I’m going on three years of changing diapers. And, lucky me, my kid also happens to be fiercely opposed to potty training.

See you in the trenches.

Jimmy A.

Stay-at-home, try-to-work-from-home, father of two boys ages 4 years and 21 months. Exiled from Adventure Bay by the Paw Patrol, now chilling on Griffin Rock with the Rescue Bots.

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